Thursday, July 7, 2016

Life Lately feels weird to write a post in an AH world (After Hadley). Umm, does anyone really care what we're watching/eating/reading/doing? Do I even care? We are knee deep in this "grief cycle" business and we will be for a good long while. And that's okay. It's all okay. Being where we are and feeling where we are is all okay, it's normal, it's natural, and there are no apologies in the AH world. I am thankful beyond belief that AJ and I have the summer off together. Our days have been busy with doctors appointments, counseling appointments, long walks, naps, and learning to wake up from the numbness. We've laughed and smiled and relaxed and had fun. We've also cried, and melted down, and withdrawn from each other. This grief thing is a mixed bag. We're in a place of being "I'm still me" but also "I am radically changed." I've been working hard on Hadley's photo memory book and can't wait to order it and will treasure it always. We've gone to visit her grave a few times and I bought a picnic blanket to keep in my car for when I want to swing by and spend some time with my Princess. AJ and I both agree that if we had known what was to happen we would have chosen the card we were dealt instead of never having known Hadley at all. We felt love from her. She felt love from us. It's been so so so hard but rich and beautiful too. Life is funny like that.

Here's some glimpses of our life lately:
4th of July: In true Leslie style, I needed a project to distract me so we threw a BBQ for our family. We got cute decorations and BBQ'd brats, burgers, made some sides and I had my first post-baby beer (yum). We went for a long walk around the lake at Daybreak and just enjoyed time together with family watching fireworks.
Health: I had my post-op visit and all looks good. I am officially off pain meds and slowly getting back into working out (very low-key to start). You know what's weird? A postpartum body but no baby. Learning to love the skin I'm in and being proud of what my body did/is still doing is something I work on daily. All part of that healing thing (physically and mentally).
Summer: I am obviously not taking maternity leave so I will be going back to school next month. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I know I need the distraction and a return to "real life." I love the hope and spirit of 1st graders and am looking forward to surrounding myself with it soon. I did tons of prep before I left so I really don't have too much to handle when I do end up returning in a few weeks. AJ and I have some local area getaways planned and we try and do something fun every day. I am enjoying the sunshine and have been cleared to go in the pool now so I hope to enjoy swimming at our new place. I just finished reading "The Coincidence of the Coconut Cake" (cute but predictable) and am starting 'The Power of I Am" by Joel Osteen and "First Comes Love" by (my fave) Emily Giffin this weekend. I've seen a few movies and pampered myself with some mani pedis. AJ is taking an AP teaching class next week and I think that'll be good for him to get semi back into the swing of things. His students rocked their AP test and getting their great scores this week was a highlight in our summer of bad news. We'll take any victories we can get!

So that's us lately: the same, but different. We both hope people don't feel uncomfortable around us. I know, baby death is not exactly something people want to discuss. I get it. But Hadley doesn't make me sad. She is my greatest pride and joy and yes, I'm hurt. I'm damaged. I'm broken. I'm devastated. But living with all those things also makes me an overcomer. Of all the things I am, being an overcomer and a mom are my two favorites. Have a great weekend, everyone!

No comments:

Post a Comment