Baby #2

This post has been on my heart and mind so much lately! Every time I've sat down to blog this summer I've wanted to share our baby news with you all and all the thoughts and feelings that go along with it. We are back home from our summer vacation and I have plans to blog a recap of that and some other fun things soon. But I couldn't blog anything without first sharing these feelings about being pregnant again!

First things first:

-We are due early January. I'm currently 15 and a half weeks pregnant.
-I pregnancy tested alone on a Friday afternoon (just like with Hadley!) and was convinced I was just being paranoid, there was no way. Newsflash: there was.
-We will find out gender mid-August and I have absolutely no intuition or guesses and no preference.
-Our beloved doctor has moved away and we are in the care of a new, wonderful one who I actually met when I was in the hospital last time. I still text with our old doctor frequently and I love having her always on our team.
-I had an early bleed and an ER visit (again, just like with Hadley!)
-I've thrown up consistently 2-3 times a day since about 8 weeks and yes, I've tried everything to keep it at bay. I think that's how my body just does pregnancy. I spend a decent portion of each day kneeling over the toilet.
-I am starting work at a new school and was so nervous to tell my principal about it. He was so kind and happy for us. The plan is to take the winter months off on maternity leave, return in the spring, and fill in baby care for the last few months of school with AJ's time off and the grandparents.
-I started feeling "flutters" last week. So much sooner this time around!
-I've taken a break from Boot Camp workouts and have been walking and doing light weights.
-I sleep so much. So much. Naps are my best friend.
-We read to baby every night and I love it!
-We visit the doctor about every other week and will continue to do so. There are different procedures and things we are on the look out for with this baby. We are doing everything we can to avoid pre-term labor. I see the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctors.
-I feel BIG already. I started showing by 10 weeks and now there's no covering this baby bump.
-I will have a scheduled C-Section and pray that comes before any labor.
-I pray I make it to at least 35 weeks. That will be amazing!

how I told AJ 

We are overjoyed. We are terrified. We are excited. And honestly, I think we're still a bit in shock that we are here again. We were given the green light to "try" again around April and well, I guess you could say baby was in a rush to get here! I had borrowed a fertility monitor from a friend and downloaded a fertility tracker app but before I was able to use either, bam! Positive test. I took the test the first week of May and wrapped it up along with a book and a picture of Hadley for AJ to open when he got home from work. We both cried and cried with joy and joked that Hadley went searching on her Harley for the perfect baby for us and yanked him or her up to send to us. I imagine her pep talk goes something like: "Ok, so your mom and dad are kind of weird. They are going to be like obsessed with you. Mom will coo at you constantly and dad won't be able to take his eyes off you. Just keep cool. They mean well."

In a word, I'd say it's all been very bittersweet. After our first ultrasound, I safely tucked the pictures in my nightstand drawer and honestly didn't look at them much. I was terrified of falling in love with this baby only to have my heart shattered. I hesitated buying a pregnancy journal (I since have gotten one, but am about 3 weeks behind. Uh oh, is this how it goes the second time around? haha). I spent many nights crying to AJ and wondering how I could have room in my heart to love Hadley's sibling. My love for her is so deep, and my heart was so broken, I didn't know if I had it in me to walk that road again. I had morbid thoughts and my mind raced to the what if? I have walked this dark side of the parenting journey and I never ever want to go back there. It's too cruel and too soul crushing. I stayed like this for a few weeks. Excited, even though it doesn't sound like it, but also so so so terrified. Around 10 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and this time, seeing our little baby on the screen (we call him or her "Boss Baby", an acronym for "Baby of Steele."), something in me stirred and changed. I felt like a mom again. I felt attached and I felt in love. There was no fighting these feelings: I fully embraced our little Boss Baby and was ready to stop holding back. I displayed the latest ultrasound proudly on the fridge and we bought baby a stuffed whale (we named Maurice) on the way home from the appointment (until then, I wouldn't let myself buy a thing).

baby doing headstands at around 11 weeks 

So that's where we stand (well, in my case, lay. See? So tired). We are thrilled, ecstatic, overjoyed, but also cautious and yeah, scared. Someone recently gave me the advice to try and put my experience with Hadley "away" to make room for this new one. I simply cannot. I mean, which one of your babies and their births and time inside you could you just "temporarily forget?" Boss Baby is tied forever to Hadley, and as it should be, they are siblings. I understand making way for the hope and love and joy of a new little one and not letting past experiences freak me out. But I can't not think back to the only experience of pregnancy and birth I've known: Hadley's. A few days after Hadley was born, I told my mom, "If I had known how amazing it would feel to be a parent, I would have been even more ecstatic as we prepared for her." I cling to those words and I am reminded every day to hand it over to God (AJ consistently reminds me to do so). I have to let it go to God day after day after day. I feel fortunate to know what the love of a parent feels like and I am ready to let it wash over me all over again. My physical, mental, and spiritual selves are all fully engaged in this process of growing our second child and we are nervous, but oh, so so so so joyful too. We love you, Boss Baby.