Life Lately

Hi Friends,

    I have a Life Lately post for you today. I saw a quote this week that said, "When historians come forward to study 2020, they'll need to specialize in just a quarter at a time because so much is going on." That is some truth right there. I know it's a time of so much heartache and anxiety in the world. Prayer and thoughts must be coupled with action to make lasting change. 

This week was Hadley's 4th birthday. I can hardly believe it. It's always a hard day. We spent time looking through Hadley's photos, lighting her special candle, and visiting her. This year was unique because Hank really understood that it was Hadley's birthday and for the first time he could understand what the day was about. The pain is less raw than it was in years past but in so many ways, it gets harder too. AJ and I had no idea how much we were missing out on. Watching Hank grow and change, and laughing and learning with him everyday makes me miss Hadley even more and wonder what she would be like. 

We went on a family adventure last week to Payson Lakes. It was gorgeous! We walked around once with Hank just walking and then we did it 2 more times with Hank in the stroller. It was only about an hour or so away and such a gorgeous spot. And bonus, it wasn't crowded at all! I would love to go back and bring something to float on! It's been fun exploring new places in our beautiful state! 

They were adding fish to the lake while we were there. It was the weirdest thing to see all these fish come flopping out of a truck, but Hank sure thought it was cool. 

Here are some other random moments from Life Lately.

Chef Hank helped me make homemade pizza! 

I ordered a strand of felt balls on our shiplap piece and love that little pop of color. Also, did you know Etsy has approximately 834034820 felt ball shops? 

Have you eaten at Seven Brothers (in Saratoga Springs for you locals)? We LOVE their food and discovered a fun local park closeby where we can chow down.

A beautiful rainbow after a whole weekend of rain a few weeks ago. Gorgeous. 

This is a coffee shop I heard about from my sister, the gal behind the blog, UT Caffeine Queen

           This drink is called the Campfire Cold Brew and it is a delight! That's whipped marshmallow cold                 foam on it. Yesssss. It's like 20 minutes away and I pass multiple coffee shops on the way, but               sometimes Hank and I just need to hit the open road and listen to some TSwift, ya know? 

I found this mini trampoline for a steal on KSL. It's been super fun! 

We are enjoying these slower days (well, AJ has a busy week this week as he is grading AP test essays from home and I'm trying to keep Hank away from his workspace) and hoping we can return to school safely in the fall. It's so strange to me because we are on covid "level"  yellow, but cases are higher than ever. It seems that people are sort of willing it all to be over. I will say, we are finding more ways to live with it and are trying to get more creative with social distancing as the weather allows. I've had picnics with friends, gone on walks with other moms, we've gotten together with friends outdoors, AJ's family is coming to visit next month, I got a pedicure with a mask, we went to the Farmers Market, etc. I'm still very wary of activities with lots of people and I'm still making an effort to stay away from any crowds. I'm so totally sick of it, but I know now is the time to be vigilant. Right now is the time to make good choices that will help the numbers in the coming weeks. It's tough because there's a guilt element with covid, like, if you get it, "What did you do? Where did you go??" Hank had a  slight 12 hour fever a few weeks ago and I panicked thinking, oh my goodness, have I gotten too lax? He was fine literally by the same afternoon, but nothing like a pandemic to get mom guilt firing on all cylinders! It's hard to know what's right, what's reckless, what's worth worrying about, and what are the things I can do to be a responsible member of my community without losing my mind.

 I need to remember that while diseases are random predators in a sense, there are still things we can do to try and help prevent it. This is all hard and new, guys. Don't hesistate to give yourself some grace and you don't need my permission but I'm giving it to you anyway, to tell your toddler that "The aquarium is still being cleaned so we can't go. It's really dirty I guess. Sharks don't seem like tidy creatures, buddy." (The aquarium is totally open I just don't feel comfortable going yet). What a time to be alive, friends. (tongue out emoji with one eye closed....I've been using that one a lot lately).  In other news, I have been reading up a storm this month and cannot wait to share my reads with you on the blog later this month!! 

Have a beautiful week. 

Savor Your Sparkle & Wear Your Damn Mask, 

Leslie 

An Older Baby Sister: Teaching My Toddler About Loss

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Hank, I pondered, questioned, and let's face it, stressed out, over how we would tell our son about Hadley. I never wanted our oldest to be a secret, something dark and depressing in our family's story. We talk about Hadley, we have photos of Hadley, and we let it be known to Hank that he does in fact have a big sister. But here's where the waters get muddied. How come his sister doesn't live with us? How come we go to visit her at the cemetery? How come Hadley is older than Hank but still a baby? TOUGH STUFF, right? I'm not a psychologist and I don't know if we're handling it the right way, because honestly? There is no "right way" when it comes to child loss. It rocked AJ and I to our core and we've just been doing our best to do what we think is best. For us. For Hank. For Hadley's memory. Here are some things we've done to address this difficult topic with Hank....

-We visit Hadley: Every time we pass a cemetery (any cemetery), Hank says, "Hi baby girl, I love you!" It's such a sweet thing. He knows that Hadley's spot is where we go to feel close to her and remember her. We talk about how it's such a pretty spot under the tree and a peaceful place to think about her. 

-We look at Hadley's Photo Book: I made a photo book for us and our families the summer after Hadley was born. We almost always look at it right alongside Hank's baby photo book. We want him to feel positive and know that mom and dad had 2 babies and they each have their own photo books from when they were just born. I found that looking at the books together has been helpful with questions Hank has had. 

-We talk about Heaven and Jesus: Hank knows Hadley is in heaven with Jesus. We tell him she got sick so she had to go be with Jesus instead of here where she was too sick. 

-We celebrate traditions: Throughout the years we have developed traditions relating to Hadley that mean a lot to AJ and I and I hope as Hank grows they will be meaningful to him as well. On Hadley's birthday we go visit her and leave flowers and a small gift item. We have dinner at Buca di Beppo and come home and sing her happy birthday and light a special candle that we only light on her birthday. At Christmas, we keep a small tree at our house with an H ornament. On Christmas Eve we bring it to her. The past few years I've tried to do something like a hike or something to keep my mind occupied on her bithday. These things help us to be mindful of Hadley's memory in our lives and the predictability helps me cope with what can be a super hard days. 

-We answer his questions honestly but appropriately. As a teacher I believe so strongly in child-friendly language. Kid brains aren't meant to take in all this "adult stuff." It's important to be honest, but I don't want to frighten Hank. I never want him to think that getting sick means he'll never recover, nor do I want him distressed by Hadley's loss. I want him to know how many people prayed for our family, how incredible our doctors and nurses were, and that there are so many kind people out there to keep us safe and to help us. One day we'll discuss the particulars-the how and why Hadley passed, more details of her final hours etc. But I'm an adult and I still rarely let my brain go to some of those details. They are there, but accessing them each time I think of Hadley is far too painful (That is a testament to some intensive PTSD therapy). 

I want to give a huge shout out to the movie Coco. It's a family favorite around here and we have referenced it so many times when talking to Hank about visiting Hadley. We talk about how Miguel and his family go to the cemetery to remember their loved ones. In the movie, Miguel learns that those who have passed on are always present with him, guiding him. and supporting him. I think this movie is a brilliant way to discuss death with young children. 

It is my sincere hope that growing up with this hole in our family will make Hank more compassionate, understanding, and resilient. My first time going to a cemetery was in 2016 to choose a plot for my daughter. Death was completely foreign to me. Hank, on the other hand, has known it from birth. It will shape him. And I pray it helps strengthen his character as a man of God and an empathetic human who knows how beautiful and precious each day truly is. 

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Unexpected Kindness

This weekend we were the recipients of a random act of kindness and it made me so happy I nearly cried. We went to Michael's this weekend (me, AJ, Hank) and as we were in the checkout line, Hank kept saying, "Tracker! Tracker!" I had no idea what he was talking about since I am only familiar with the OG Paw Patrol cast (Rubble is my fave), but apparently "Tracker"is a new-ish member of the Paw Patrol. Sure enough, there was a little Tracker dog in a stuffed animal display. I checked the tag and yep, Hank was right, his name was Tracker. The lady behind us in line smiled as I said, "Yep, buddy, his name is Tracker. Good eyes!"  Hank grabbed it, squeezed it tight, and as we went to pay, I swiped it and tossed it back on the shelf. Hank fussed for a second, but I explained we weren't going to buy him today and maybe we could get it another day.

As we were walking out the door the lady who was behind us in line got our attention and said, "Here's your Tracker dog little buddy. He's all yours." I was floored. Hank lit up and gave her a huge smile. AJ and I thanked her profusely and told her she was so sweet and that was so unexpected. She said with a smile, "Well, he is just the cutest thing and I thought he should have that little dog."

GUYS. I can't even. That small act of kindess is something I will never forget. Here's the thing, this caring stranger wasn't on her phone, she was present, and listening to us in line. She decided to reach out and spread a little joy. She certainly didn't need to. Hank is not wanting for stuffed animals or anything really, but it made him so happy and taught our family a valuable lesson....Stay alert, and watch and listen for how you can give and spread joy. This sweet stranger was observant decided to act in generosity. I think it's fitting the little pup's name is Tracker. May we all be actively tracking ways to spread love and share kindness. 

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Curator of Now

I love memories. Actually, I love making memories. I adore documenting life (hello to this blog you're reading). I relish taking pictures. I collect ticket stubs,  mementos, treasures, and have 4 shoeboxes full of cards, notes, and letters that mean a lot to me. I honestly just deeply enjoy reflecting.

A few years ago, in the frustrating midst of getting Hank's newborn footprint imprinted in clay (as you do, of course), I tearfully responded to AJ when he suggested we ditch the idea and leave our infant's feet alone, (blame postpartum hormones), "But I'm the historian of the faaaamily!" What the heck does that even mean? Maybe some of you moms (or non-moms. I think it's a generational thing) can relate to this deep need to document. all. the. things. Gone are the days of elaborate scrapbooking and in its place we have instagram, Facebook, blogs, twitter, group texts, photo printing services, and one of my very favorites, photo books. While at first glance these mediums might appear to be so much easier than busting out stickers and crinkle cut scissors (dang I miss those things), it's actually most likely even more of a time suck. "It's so easy," loses its meaning when the minutes of  speedy documenting add up to hours and hours.

Memories mean a lot to me because I know all too painfully that sometimes, that's all you've got. I have a small box on the top shelf of my closet full of Hadley's things. I have baby shower cards, her tiny bows, my medical wristband, photos, even the dress I wore when she died, a tiny drop of her blood staining it. To anyone else this might seem morbid and upsetting, but to me, it represents my daughter and the small assortment of things that belonged to her. Before you send the Hoarders crew to my house, there are some things I parted with and I understand that things are just that, things. These material items and even manifestations of moments such as blog posts, photos, going down the camera roll rabbit hole, and the piles of paper in my memory boxes, aren't as beautiful and miraculous as the actual moment itself. I know this. I believe this.

We just finished putting up a gallery wall in our house last weekend and I really love how it turned out. I spent a decent amount of time browsing Pinterest, then at Kirklands (clearance frames, oh yeah!), and then poring over photos picking just the right ones that I wanted to display. I love our gallery wall. It's got my cute little family, AJ's parents, my parents, our siblings, Hank through various stages. It's us and it brings me so much joy. But while putting it all together, a recurring message kept coming to me. It was this: Remembering these moments is nice, but wasn't it so special getting to live in those pictures too? 

I know, fundamentally, that my role as "family historian" is completely self imposed. I love it, but maybe it's not always good for me (much like my love of Crumbl cookies). Maybe, the time spent documenting could be better spent living in the moment. LESLIE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY LEARNING THIS LESSON AGAIN? Yes,and I'll keep at it time after time until I get it right. You'll still catch me blogging in this space, instagramming and occasionally Facebooking because I enjoy keeping memories and sharing. But I'm making more of an effort to look up, soak it in, and show myself some much needed grace. In seeking to curate the beautiful now, I realize again and again, with bountiful delight that it's already created just perfectly the way it is. No work (or documentation!) necessary. 

May we all seek to relish the moment and not feel one ounce of guilt for wanting to make a Shutterfly book out of it anyway. It's all ok right in this very moment.

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Hank's 2nd Bouncing Birthday Bash

Today's post is all about Hank's 2nd Birthday party....we had a bouncy ball themed bash at The Little Gym. It was a ball! I love throwing birthday parties and gathering with friends and family. You can read about Hank's 1st Lumberjack Party HERE.

This year we wanted to do a party where the kiddos could actually play. A bunch of toddlers with nothing to do is a recipe for disaster so we decided to head back to The Little Gym! Hank started going to The Little Gym when he was just 6 months old and we stopped going last spring when the class schedule didn't work out, but we loved our time there. In fact, the best part of it was that we met 3 of our favorite toddler friends and their mamas there.

I ordered the invites, water bottle labels, and party favor tags from an Etsy stationary shop. I also ordered his t-shirt from Etsy. As far a decor went, it was super simple. Little Gym provided the birthday sign, table cloths, paper goods, etc. I picked up a felt ball garland at a craft fair this fall and added that to the table.

The cake was made by April's Cakery. April was recommended to me by a parent at my school and I was so glad we got in touch. I sent her some pics and she made an adorable cake for us. She even had colored dots baked right into the inside of the cake. It turned out so fun and was delicious. 

When everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Hank I was just so happy for our little guy. He is so loved by incredible friends and wonderful family. I know so deeply in my heart that birthdays are a blessing. Not every child gets to experience another year so getting to be Hank's mommy is so worth celebrating. I don't take it for granted. His birthday celebration was such a sweet reminder of that truth. 

Happy Birthday, Hank! It's a ball bouncing into the 2's!! 

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Terrifically 2!

Tomorrow my sweet love bug Hank Grayson is 2 years old. I can hardly believe it! These past 2 years have been delightful. To say AJ and I love being parents is an understatement. Hank is the light of our lives and we are so thankful to those who love him well. He is one blessed and loved little man. I've been super nostalgic lately about those early days when he was born and when we got home from the hospital. Those were sweet and beautiful days that I think of so fondly. I decided to write a letter to Hank on his 2nd birthday. 

Dear Hank,
   You are 2. In fact, you are SO two. Daddy and I comment all the time that you are no longer a tiny baby---you are a big boy, a toddler, a kid! Sometimes mommy misses when you were itty bitty and fit just comfortably in my arms. But whenever I get nostalgic, you bring me right back to the current moment by asking me to come in close for a kiss, then "booping" my nose and you laugh your full laugh, head back, front teeth showing, and I think nope, this phase is so special and perfect. I love your laugh so much and in fact, you seem to like your laugh too. You often comment (even sometimes after doing something slightly naughty) that "I'm funny." Yeah, you are, buddy.

   One of the things that I love so much about you is how you love and appreciate nature. You take the time to go "snail hunting" (you love observing them after a big rain) and to study a flower. When mommy rushes to the mailbox, you walk slowly, looking at the clouds, the sky, the wreaths, the cracks in the sidewalk. Just as you marvel at the world around you, mommy marvels at YOU. You teach me how to, quite literally, stop and smell the roses.

   It's been so fun observing how your interests have developed. You light up when you see the Pixar logo and Paw Patrol is a major favorite around here. You have an affinity for music and ever since you were tiny, you've loved listening to daddy play the guitar at night. You've recently taken to banging silverware on the table and announcing "I'm making muuuzik." You love "mac," fries, applesauce, and milk. You've become such a big guy lately and you learned to drink from a real cup at school! Speaking of school, you delight in telling us all about your school friends and teachers. They adore you. I think the transition to child care was more challenging for me than you. Sometimes after I sign you in, I peek back into your classroom to see you and you're just happy as can be. It's hard to leave my heart (you!) but I rest easy knowing you are making friends and learning new things.

  It might seem strange to say to a 2 year old, but Hank, I love your heart. You are kind and caring. You say "sorry" and give hugs. You get sad when others are sad. You pay attention to others and are carefully observant to the world around you. I hope and pray that you never lose your fierce attentiveness to others. You get excited when you see police cars of fire trucks and point out to us that "they're helping." You love to help, too (even if it's sweeping when mommy is trying to sweep) and cleaning up. You are a love bug, through and through.

You know what you want, like, and think and will not allow anyone to let you think otherwise. In fact, just the other day, I pointed to a cat in a book and you insisted it was NOT a cat. When I finally gave up and asked you, "What is it then?" You responded calmly, "a kitty." Oh sweet Hank, I love that you are not timid and are comfortable telling mommy and daddy what you need. Even if mommy and daddy's opinion of "need" differs from yours (like playing outside without a coat or having a third serving of fruit snacks).

Hank, I loved you before I met you, but I also love you more each and every day. These 2 years have been incredible. But you know what? I'm so excited to see what's in store for you. I love having a front row seat to your life story.

Happy Birthday, Hankers.
Love,
Mommy