Joy in the Journey

I am a nerd. Always have been, always will be. One of the things that makes me a nerd is that I love planners and calendars. This started in my middle school days and continues even now. My school issued planner with important dates like finals week, days off, etc. have been replaced over the years with expensive colorful Erin Condren planners, Barnes and Noble planners (that, let's face it, I probably purchased in September for the following year), and now I use a small paper one I can slip in my purse. I keep a printed off calendar on our fridge, but I just need the little one to write down dates on the go.

This weekend I went on a cleaning spree (I feel like I'm nesting post-baby....to make room for all the baby gear!) and I came across 7 years of planners. 7 years. In those years I went from college student, to grad student, to teacher. From girlfriend, to fiancee, to wife. From  resident of Spokane to resident of Chicago to resident of Salt Lake. From pregnant mom, to angel mom, to Hank's mom. In those planners I planned: lessons, a wedding, moving dates, finances, class assignments, paydays, job interviews, coffee dates, workout classes, hair appointments, dentist appointments, lots and lots of maternity appointments, birthdays, holidays, vacations. I curled up one afternoon last week and looked through them all. It was fascinating. A few things jumped out at me as I opened the pages and let the memories flood in.

-We went to therapy a lot after Hadley. Like all the time
-I have no idea how I kept so many balls in the air in college: I worked part time, took a full class load, and my goodness, the social life! It makes this 30 year old me want to put my hair in a bun, put on some sweats, and curl up with a book and mug of tea for approximately 75 years to recover
-I have a handful of friendships that have spanned the expanse of time and are comfortable, familiar and perfect. Those friends have seen me at my best, my worst, all kinds of things in between. You never know when a "dinner with_____" on a random Wednesday in college will turn into a life long friendship that's deep and true.
-Each school I've taught at has had its share of extra responsibilities---For one school I had written down, "Plan Black History Month Program," another "Take on-line literacy program training," and yet another, "Call parent regarding recess incident." My years teaching and even individual students came flashing back as I looked across my scribbled notes and to do's involving life in the classroom.
-AJ and I have made lots of trips to Oregon. I love it there and now consider it my second home. I love visiting with my in laws, walking the gorgeous shoreline of the Oregon Coast, and buying Red Vines and coffee at small town gas stations as we discuss which music or podcast to enjoy on the open road.
-"Make funeral arrangements" and "Call about headstone" are two things that shouldn't be in anyone's planner. Ever.
-Girls Nights have been a constant in my life and always will be. Give me some wine, good food, and wonderful women who have a lot to say and a lot to catch up on. Sanity saver and a hell of a good time.

-"Day off" (yes in quotes) means I'm planning on taking a mental health/sick day and am already planning it in advance (new teachers: yes, this is vital)
-If I ever can't sleep I'll try and calculate how many manicures I've had in my life. Newsflash: lots. But nail salons are a lot like Starbucks, they're basically all the same wherever you go. And I love that.
-I sure am glad I don't have to fly home anymore. There's something great about a 15 minute drive home instead of a whole day of travel and multiple airports
-My faith community has ebbed and flowed. Some seasons I was really plugged into a great church community, volunteering a lot, some times not at all, but seeking spirituality and learning more has always been important to me.

-Holiday, special days, and anniversaries are a big deal for me (classic ENFJ), and I love celebrating milestones ("7 weeks together!", "Last day of teaching summer camp!," "Moved in a year ago!")
-Self-care seems super selfish when you see it condensed like that...My God, how many dentist, eye, lady doc, hair, massage, eyebrow, counseling, dermatologist, etc appointments does one person need? Adulting is hard.

I'm a do-er, a mover, a get things done sorta gal. Planners are my love language. Maybe that's why I enjoy blogging so much: I deeply treasure writing, memory making, reflecting, and recording. As I glanced through these pages, it made me smile to think that girl in 2009 would never ever in a million years have believed she'd be a 1st grade teacher, living in Utah, still working on that balance of being a foodie and being fit, married, have a daughter in heaven, and a baby son in her arms. She'd never believe driving on the freeway isn't actually that scary, that the world won't implode if the bed is unmade some days, that she'd still be friends with those girls, that she'd date some frogs but marry her best friend, have lived there, hung out with them, felt that way, cried over that, laughed over that, and that all those pages, pen scribbles, and dates held her whole journey so far. I am so thankful for every moment, the messy and the breathtaking. The scary and the awesome. The foolish and the inspired. Each decision in one year danced its way into the next, causes had effects, choices had consequences, and they all wove, twisted, and turned to here, now. It's not where I'm going, it's how I'm getting there. You'll never have this day again so....How will you spend it?

A Very HANK Holiday & Birth Story

Oh my goodness, there is so much I want to write about! I wanted to get Hank's birth story written before I forgot a single detail! I'm running on little sleep so please excuse any grammatical errors in this post. Introducing Hank Grayson Steele, born December 17, 2017!

Ok, before I get the birth story, I just have to share the most special moment in this past week. It happened in the car. AJ and I got Hank into his carseat, the nurse brought me out in a wheelchair and the trunk was loaded down with samples from the hospital, folders of paperwork, bags of dirty clothes in plastic "personal belonging" hospital bags, and our duffels and totes from our 4 day stay. We were parked in the roundabout in front of the women's center and AJ and I just held hands (me from the backseat, I wanted to ride by baby, obvi!) and cried and cried and cried. We cried tears of joy, of sorrow, of reflection, of peace, of overwhelming gratitude. Having a baby, we'd done that before. Holding our baby? check. Recovering after a C section? Check. Knowing what to expect staying at the hospital? Double check. But taking our baby home, driving away and beginning our lives together as a family of 3? This was new. And it took our breaths away. FINALLY after a two year experience of pregnancy, loss, waiting, journeying through the thick fog of grief and hope, we are headed, all three of us, HOME, and that was, easily,  the best moment of my life. Welcome to our crazy little family, Hank Grayson Steele. We have been waiting for you and we love having you home.

Ok.....let's talk about deets of his birth! Warning: This will be a LONG post. Last Friday, December 15th, before leaving school, I just had this weird feeling that I might not be back. One of my teammates (hi, Lindsay!) remarked that she just had a sneaking suspicion she wouldn't see me come in on Monday. I spent the afternoon getting papers in order, neatening up my plan book (that thing seems to only make sense to me....I needed to make it understandable for my sub!), and as an afterthought, on my way out the door, I laid out Monday's work and put my maternity leave notebook front and center on my desk. Just in case.

The weekend proceeded as usual, we slept in on Saturday morning, I made a berry coffee cake, and headed out for a hair appointment in the afternoon. I came home and AJ and I decided to go out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse since we might not have another dinner out before baby came (See?! I feel like we must have known!). We ate an early dinner, ran some errands, grocery shopped, and were home around 7. I'll spare you specific details here but I had some signs that labor might be starting so we dropped our groceries at home and headed to Labor and Delivery. There, they examined me and assured us while baby might be arriving soon, I was definitely not in labor that night and to go home and come back if I was experiencing more labor signs. We went home, me feeling slightly silly that I was one of "those" people who obviously had no clue what real labor felt like. We came home and went to bed after watching Saturday Night Live.

   Sunday morning we did our usual routine of drinking coffee and having breakfast together. We've gotten into something slightly embarrassing on Sunday mornings but I am dedicated to telling the whole story.....watching "In The Kitchen with David" on QVC. I know, I know, we're so lame. But I adore David's bubbly personality and we usually have it on while we do work for school, meal prep etc. About 20 minutes into Sunday's show, I felt a trickle down my legs that I was sure wasn't urine. I thought uh-oh and before I could tell AJ, it happened again. When my water broke with Hadley, it was a huge gush that soaked the bed. This was definitely not a huge gush but it was something unusual. I felt sort of uncomfortable but that's pretty much life past 34 weeks pregnant (I was 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant at this point). We left everything right where it was and hopped in the car. My hospital bag was packed and we quickly debated bringing it, but decided not to because I wasn't certain this was  actually my water breaking because it was so different than before.

He folds his hands like this all the time! #praying 

We got to the hospital and they gave me a gown, checked my vitals, and I gradually become more uncomfortable. Not sharp pains, just "hurty" if that makes sense. They tested the liquid and it tested negative for amniotic fluid. At this point I'm feeling really dumb, two false labor scares in a row? The nurses told me there were two more tests they could do to determine if my water really did break. The doctor examined me and said I was making no progress, in other words, labor had not begun. But I just did not feel "right." I vomited a few times and within minutes the pains increased and the nurse came in and said it looked like I was having pretty strong contractions. I knew it!

Representing ASU: Fear the Fork! 

 Now, to give you a time frame, we arrived to the hospital around 10 am, and it was now about noon. We asked the doctor on call to contact my doctor. My pain was getting strong. I asked how long they would keep me feeling like this since I was having a C section anyway. The doctors and nurses reminded me that less than an hour before I was dialated to a zero, so just to be patient before we rushed to the operating room. At this point, things got blurry for me. The pain was intolerable. I started asking for pain meds and then begging for pain meds. I told the doctor I knew that an hour ago I was at a zero but I really felt like something was happening. She checked me again and I was AT A TEN. Unmedicated. In about 50 minutes from the first check.  It was awful. I honestly feel like I turned into some sort of psycho, I started yelling, "Make it stop! Give me medicine now!" Our doctor was apparently on her way but they weren't sure she would make it on time, baby was in a serious hurry.

In a situation that felt eerily similar to Hadley's birth, they rushed me to the O.R, and threw AJ his surgical scrubs on the way there. I was crying and begging for "The medicine guy" (my term for the anesthesiologist). One of the nurses (or doctors, I honestly don't know, there were about a dozen people in the room), told me "He's basically right there, just push." I panicked. I was supposed to have a C section. A lot of Hadley's distress occurred during the pushing/birth process. Nevertheless I felt the urge to push so I started. AJ shouted out, "That's not the plan! It's supposed to be a C section!" I did not think I had the strength or energy to keep pushing unmedicated when I wasn't expecting it. At that exact moment, our doctor walked in all scrubbed up and AJ and I breathed a sigh of relief. I have never been so happy to see someone in my life. Once she arrived, everyone got in their places and within seconds my new boyfriend who I lovingly termed "Medicine Guy" came to my rescue, and I got hot, tingly, heavy and all the pain lifted away.

I don't remember much from the actual procedure but I do remember hearing some grunts, a coo, and then.....a cry. A loud cry. Music to my ears. Hank was born at 1:35 in the afternoon. Since Hank was still not full term he was passed through the window to the NICU. AJ went to be with him while they sewed me up. It was super calm after that and as the doctor's chatted about their Christmas plans, I was blissfully pain-free watching my husband and son meet for the first time through the window to the NICU. The nurses were shouting out to us the weight (6 lb. 7 oz), measurements, and Apgar score. The doctor looked at me over the sheet and said, "He's doing great, honey." And for the first time in a very long time I felt a great sense of peace.

They took me to the recovery room where my family was waiting. It was so good to see them. I told them all about the birth and then AJ came in and we hugged and cried. He showed me pictures of Hank on his phone and said he needed to be monitored for some breathing issues but they didn't think he'd need to stay overnight in the NICU. After an hour or so, they brought my bed to the NICU and it felt like that end scene in Titanic where the doors open and Rose sees all these familiar faces. We walked (well, I rode) the familiar halls of the NICU, right into the wing where Hadley stayed and I saw nurses and techs who I had not seen in 18 months. Most of them remembered us, and smiled or gave my hand a squeeze. It was surreal. Once in Hank's room, they handed Hank to me. Now, since I didn't get to hold Hadley for 4 days after birth, getting to hold Hank so soon was SO special for me. AJ recorded the moment I met him and I will always treasure that video (maybe we'll show it at his wedding, ha!).

Hank "graduated" from the NICU at around 8:00 that evening and got to stay in our room with us! It was perfect. A few hours later, AJ's parents flew in from Oregon. Hank got a warm welcome into this world.

A bit about his name. We knew we wanted another "H" name and Hank was easily our top pick. We agreed on it and decided on it right after I found out I was pregnant. We tossed around a few middle name ideas but decided it'd be special if both our babies had the initials HGS. Since Hadley's middle name is Grace, we decided Grayson was a nice spin on that. Plus we liked the way Grayson sounded with Hank. And now that we know him, he is such a "Hank," it fits him perfectly.

We got home a few days ago and are excited to celebrate our first Christmas all together. Overall?  I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm paranoid about germs and his health. I'm over the moon. I still look sort of pregnant. I'm loving watching my husband be a daddy. I'm always doing a load of laundry or washing bottles or pump parts. I have a to do list I haven't touched. I don't know what I'm doing but it feels like I was born to be Hank's mommy.  I'm just so thankful and my heart is so full. Welcome home, Hank.

At the hospital 

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like....

It's beginning to look a lot like:
Christmas!
Baby!
End of 2017!
Nesting!

So I haven't blogged in two weeks but I'm 35 weeks pregnant, the holidays are coming, and I'm doing what I want! But really, every time I've settled in to write a blog post I realized I didn't have much to say. Life feels simultaneously like it's going at warp speed and also going slowly. I have NINE teaching days left for the year and until maternity leave. It's 9 days filled with all sorts of festive fun and enjoying my time with "my kids" before my own kiddo enters the scene.

Last week, 34 weeks 

We went on a date night this week for Chinese food 

Our days have been filled with getting ready for the holidays (we are skipping gifts for each other and family and not putting up a tree.....huge stress relief right there), but there are always last minute holiday things to pick up and get ready for. I've been nesting a ton and enjoying this phase of pregnancy because I've never experienced this part! I've washed all the sweet wittle newborn clothes and socks and we have little man's bassinet in our room all ready to go. We got our carseats installed last week (I found out the police department will install for you to make sure they are put in correctly. The kind officer gave us all kinds of great car/baby safety tips and saved us countless swear words that would have come up had we done it ourselves), and this week's baby goal is getting a basic hospital bag prepared. I treated myself to a prenatal massage this weekend and it. was. delightful.  It's all exciting and while I am giddy with joy---- I am so scared. I can't wrap my head around the fact that there will be a third person living here. My previous pregnancy journey ended in sorrow so it's hard to imagine a different ending. I found this quote this week that I've really connected with for this final stretch of pregnancy:

I have been reading a lot lately and am on book 60 of the year! I know I say this all the time but I cannot emphasize enough how much dedicating myself to reading has meant to me this year. I have laughed, cried, discovered great authors, read suggestions from friends, passed good books along, and have really just enjoyed my time in 2017 between the pages. I don't know what 2018 will hold but I know I want to continue my journey as a reader.

This was a cute modern twist of a Christmas Carol story. Perfect light seasonal read. 

Lots of people recommended this one and I really liked it! Super suspenseful. 

In other news, huge shout out to my sister Libby who graduates from Arizona State tomorrow! We are so proud of you!

Here's to enjoying these last two weeks before Christmas! May your days be merry and bright. And if you can't enjoy a seasonal cocktail, then at least enjoy a festive seasonal mani.

Life Lately: Holiday Edition

What a blur this past week has been! I am settling in this Sunday afternoon with candles lit, my new CuddleDuds lounge pants, Christmas music playing and am ready for a blog recap! I hope you all had wonderful holidays with friends, family, good food, and grateful hearts. It's true that gratitude turns what we have into enough and I am so so so thankful for all the enough and the abundance in my life. I am most thankful for the chance to become a mommy again and every year on Thanksgiving I will always give thanks that I got to meet and hold Hadley. I don't take a single second I had with her for granted. We had a great time with BOTH sides of our families. It was, overall, a great Thanksgiving week.
Let's go day by day, shall we?

Monday morning: AJ's car won't start. It's about 6:30 am, so I drove him to work in my pj's, came home, got ready, then rushed back to work myself. His car had been in the shop about 4 times this fall for significant repairs and each visit came with a very hefty price tag. Ouch. We looked at each other on the way to school that day and both said it: New car? Maybe? Do we want to invest more money into it? #Adulting. Sheesh. After a busy day at school, AJ had his truck towed to the dealership and we awaited their diagnosis the next day.

Tuesday: The last day of school before Thanksgiving break! My team did Thanksgiving rotations for the day so we each taught one Thanksgiving themed lesson/activity 5 times for each first grade class. It was so fun working with all the kids! In my class we made "Pilgrim Butter" and sampled it on bread while we wrote out the "recipe." It was the perfect way to spend that last day at school for the week. I picked up AJ from school (love the fact that we work blocks from each other!) and we came home to greet his parents who had stopped by our house on their way to get Matt, AJ's brother, from the airport. We visited for a bit and it was lovely to see them since we hadn't since before school started in August. We all gathered for dinner at The Pie (bad blogger alert: no pictures).

I got this pic via Google, but this was what our homemade butter looked like. It was so fun making it with the kids! 

Wednesday: The diagnosis for the truck came back. Hefty price tag. Again. AJ and I headed to the car dealership to look around. We settled on a new Rav-4 in gray. We were able to trade in AJ's truck and after a whole day of paperwork, waiting around at the dealership etc, we suddenly had a new car! We both really like it and are so thankful to have a new reliable ride. They even let us test drive it all the way to our house to see how it fit in our garage. That evening we had everyone over for a taco bar (virgin margarita for this girl!) and it was nice catching up and chatting the evening away.

Thursday: Thanksgiving! We slept in, went for a Starbucks run, watched the Macy's Day Parade, and headed over to my parents house in the afternoon. It was so nice to have everyone all together and being pregnant on Thanksgiving has some major advantages, notably everyone traveled to us this year (and not to mention that every pair of maternity pants comes equipped with delightful stretchy spandex at the waistband. Baby or turkey, you better believe you'll be comfy feeling like a bowling ball is under your shirt either way!). We talked, laughed, and ate. My parents had some fun games planned---like a white elephant-type exchange and holiday trivia. AJ's parents brought out the scratch-it tickets after dinner and we had a blast with those. It was so wonderful to have both sides of our family together for the holiday---siblings and all! And because I was so busy talking and eating (see: spandex pants), I only caught one quick pic of AJ and I at dinner. Booo, I wish I snapped a few more of everyone!

Starbucks? Check. PJ's? check. Macys Day Parade Tradition? Check! 

AJ's mom made this super cute turkey cheese tray! How fun! 

Friday: There was no Black Friday shopping for us this year. I did look at all the ads and honestly, nothing seemed worth hopping out of bed early and battling crowds for. We had a chill morning, finished up some things in baby's room (nursery reveal post coming soon, promise), and we said goodbye to our houseguests. That evening my family and I went to a birthday party for a family friend (AJ was at work). Oh and we also spent some time on the phone with the bank.....my debit card number was somehow stolen and apparently someone (some butthead rude person) did end up Black Friday shopping on my dime. Grrrr, all seems to be sorted out now, but it's scary nonetheless.

AJ captured this pic and it absolutely cracks me up. AJ's dad was busy doing handy man stuff for us and in this picture he's putting a name plate on baby's cradle (which he made, btw!) and I crawled into bed and dozed off! Pregnancy life has me conked out a good portion of the time, lol  

Saturday/Sunday: I think all the busyness caught up to me and I've been cursed with a cold. I've been in pjs, drinking tea, doing some meal prepping (making this soup for dinner this week) for dinners and lunches, doing some reading, and overall just resting and praying these sniffles away.

I'm loving this book and am ready to pack up and move to Scandinavia......except the cold, no thanks. 

There are only 19 more school days before Christmas break (and before baby arrives!!) and I am so excited for holiday cheer and 1st grade fun. I succumb to the craziness this time of the year. Bring it on! We decorated the house for the holidays (but no tree this year, this type A girl can't go into labor after the holidays knowing there's a tree in the house that needs to come down!) and I'm ready for holiday baking, Christmas tunes (started Nov 1st, don't judge), and cozy evenings. Have a great week, everyone!

Bumpdate: 32 Weeks

It's been a while since I've done a Bumpdate! You can check out my 23 week and 27 week  bumpdates too if you'd like. Sometimes just for fun I check out my blog traffic stats and found it interesting that anything having to do with pregnancy and babies (Hadley and our little man) typically gets 4-5 times more page views than any other posts. I get it and agree: these little ones are the best thing about me. So thank you for reading, caring, and praying. I love this little blog space. 

 This week is the 32 week Bumpdate! Can you believe it?? I sure can't! Thanksgiving week was a huge huge milestone in my heart. It just meant that I made it through the whole fall pregnant and that I was nearing the final month or so. Unless you've had a preterm baby (in Hadley's case, very preterm), I don't think you can really grasp the joy that being pregnant each week brings. Baby is still in there---growing! I get so excited each week that he stays put.

 So as of last week, I am officially the most pregnant I have ever been! And it's definitely different. I feel like my bump is BIG and I even got some new maternity clothes last week. I was holding out, but when your maternity shirt is still not covering the belly, it's time for some upgrades. I can't do things as quickly as I used to (and for a go-er and a do-er like me, that's a harsh realization). I always sit in the same spot on our couch, in the corner of the two pieces and lately it's been quite the effort to leave my corner space to stand up! Thank goodness for AJ to help me as I scoot and grunt my way up (#truth). 

I spent SO much time in the hospital last year that I for sure wanted something cute and comfy to wear for recovery. Target PJ section to the rescue! 

The nursery is done except for 2 things: the crib skirt and the changing pad cover. I ordered both from Etsy and they are due to arrive in the next few weeks. I love hanging out in there and AJ's taken to playing his guitar and reading or drinking coffee in the nursery rocking chair. We only have 5 more weekly shots left and while I usually whine and whimper getting it (they hurt!), AJ reminds me of the important truth: I'm getting shots so hopefully our little guy won't need to be poked and hooked up to machines as much as his sister was. Ok, so worth it! 

My parents go us this cute tie blanket kit and finally this kiddo can have something homemade by his non-crafty mom!

I still crave Chick-fil-A (I don't think it's pregnancy anymore, it's just who I am now), english muffins, peanut butter, and I drink a ton of water (coconut la croix forever and ever). Yes, I still puke most mornings. People are always like "Omg, that's horrible!" and yes, it is. BUT I puked morning, noon, and night for most of the first trimester so once a day? I can work with that. 

My view from my desk at school. He likes to kick up a storm during math lessons and when I read aloud to the kids. I always tell them he'll be the smartest baby ever because he's been in 1st grade right along with them all year. 

We tried once again to get a good view of our little man's face, but at our last ultrasound a few weeks ago he had both hands covering his face. So needless to say, we can't wait to look in his eyes and finally meet face to face. He is predicted to be about 4 and a quarter lbs. this week! 

We took some time to have a little brunch after our doc appointment this week. Hey when you have half the day off! 

Overall this pregnancy has gone well, but I will not sugar-coat it. It's scary. SO scary trying again after loss. We know there is no such thing as "in the clear." Every time I get excited and filled with anticipation and joy there's still a piece of me that thinks, "But what if...." I know that based on what we went through it's normal, but I don't want to cheat this baby out of a joyful pregnancy and birth experience because I am terrified. He deserves better than my fear. Easier said than done. So we wait. We pray. We dream. We fret. We hope. We remember and miss Hadley fiercely. We plan. We anticipate. We worry. And we lift each other up. Literally...that corner of the couch is no joke.