An Older Baby Sister: Teaching My Toddler About Loss

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Hank, I pondered, questioned, and let's face it, stressed out, over how we would tell our son about Hadley. I never wanted our oldest to be a secret, something dark and depressing in our family's story. We talk about Hadley, we have photos of Hadley, and we let it be known to Hank that he does in fact have a big sister. But here's where the waters get muddied. How come his sister doesn't live with us? How come we go to visit her at the cemetery? How come Hadley is older than Hank but still a baby? TOUGH STUFF, right? I'm not a psychologist and I don't know if we're handling it the right way, because honestly? There is no "right way" when it comes to child loss. It rocked AJ and I to our core and we've just been doing our best to do what we think is best. For us. For Hank. For Hadley's memory. Here are some things we've done to address this difficult topic with Hank....

-We visit Hadley: Every time we pass a cemetery (any cemetery), Hank says, "Hi baby girl, I love you!" It's such a sweet thing. He knows that Hadley's spot is where we go to feel close to her and remember her. We talk about how it's such a pretty spot under the tree and a peaceful place to think about her. 

-We look at Hadley's Photo Book: I made a photo book for us and our families the summer after Hadley was born. We almost always look at it right alongside Hank's baby photo book. We want him to feel positive and know that mom and dad had 2 babies and they each have their own photo books from when they were just born. I found that looking at the books together has been helpful with questions Hank has had. 

-We talk about Heaven and Jesus: Hank knows Hadley is in heaven with Jesus. We tell him she got sick so she had to go be with Jesus instead of here where she was too sick. 

-We celebrate traditions: Throughout the years we have developed traditions relating to Hadley that mean a lot to AJ and I and I hope as Hank grows they will be meaningful to him as well. On Hadley's birthday we go visit her and leave flowers and a small gift item. We have dinner at Buca di Beppo and come home and sing her happy birthday and light a special candle that we only light on her birthday. At Christmas, we keep a small tree at our house with an H ornament. On Christmas Eve we bring it to her. The past few years I've tried to do something like a hike or something to keep my mind occupied on her bithday. These things help us to be mindful of Hadley's memory in our lives and the predictability helps me cope with what can be a super hard days. 

-We answer his questions honestly but appropriately. As a teacher I believe so strongly in child-friendly language. Kid brains aren't meant to take in all this "adult stuff." It's important to be honest, but I don't want to frighten Hank. I never want him to think that getting sick means he'll never recover, nor do I want him distressed by Hadley's loss. I want him to know how many people prayed for our family, how incredible our doctors and nurses were, and that there are so many kind people out there to keep us safe and to help us. One day we'll discuss the particulars-the how and why Hadley passed, more details of her final hours etc. But I'm an adult and I still rarely let my brain go to some of those details. They are there, but accessing them each time I think of Hadley is far too painful (That is a testament to some intensive PTSD therapy). 

I want to give a huge shout out to the movie Coco. It's a family favorite around here and we have referenced it so many times when talking to Hank about visiting Hadley. We talk about how Miguel and his family go to the cemetery to remember their loved ones. In the movie, Miguel learns that those who have passed on are always present with him, guiding him. and supporting him. I think this movie is a brilliant way to discuss death with young children. 

It is my sincere hope that growing up with this hole in our family will make Hank more compassionate, understanding, and resilient. My first time going to a cemetery was in 2016 to choose a plot for my daughter. Death was completely foreign to me. Hank, on the other hand, has known it from birth. It will shape him. And I pray it helps strengthen his character as a man of God and an empathetic human who knows how beautiful and precious each day truly is. 

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Turtle Brownies

I'm so excited to share this recipe with you today! I modified some recipes I found online and came up with this yumminess! My original inspiration came from This Site. 

These delicious chewy chocolatey treats could not be easier and come together so quickly. 

                                             

Cast of Characters:

-Fudge Cake Mix

-1 stick melted butter

-1 bag soft caramels

-1 can evaporated milk, divided

-1 tsp vanilla extract

-1 small bag chopped pecans

-1 and a half cups semi sweet chocolate chips 

1. Preheat oven to 350 and coat 9 x13 pan with nonstick spray

2. Make brownie batter by mixing cake mix and melted butter with 1 cup of the evaporated milk

3. Spread half of batter into pan and bake for 15 minutes

4. Prepare caramel sauce by putting unwrapped caramels and the rest of the can of evaporated milk in a saucepan on low and stirring until you reach sauce-like consistency.      

5. Take brownies out of oven and pour caramel sauce on top.

6. On top of caramel sauce, sprinkle chocolate chips and pecans (I used a small bag of chopped

 pecans, but next time I'd definitely add more and maybe even use some whole ones).

7. Dollop the remaining brownie batter on top (I just did 6 or so scoops right on top of the caramel/chocolate/nuts)

8. Bake for 30 minutes. Most likely your toothpick won't come out completely clean since these are gooey by nature. At 30 minutes they should be done. Cook for a little less time if you want them super cake like or longer if you want them crispier. 

9. Enjoy! I like mine warm with a glass of milk. 

There's are super easy and are so so so delicious! 

Hank at 2 and a Half

My sweet Hank officially turns 2 and a half in June. He is growing so quickly and it blows my mind that he's closer to 3 than 2! I decided to do this post for memory's sake. To see other Hank updates, click HERE

Hank Plays: Hank enjoys riding around in his Paw Patrol car, anything with balls (he told me last week when I tossed him a football, "Mom, let's stick with soccer. We don't have football helmets and we need 'em!"), coloring, Kinetic Sand, puzzles, and play doh. Every night we ask Hank what his favorite part of the day was and he always says, "OUTSIDE!" He loves walks, playing with his water table, digging in the dirt, but mostly his bubble mower. We can't go check the mail without Hank insisting on "I mow" as we walk. That little bubble mower has gone alllll over the neighborhood. 

Hank Eats: Hank's appetite ebbs and flows. Somedays he doesn't eat much and other days I can't keep the snacks coming fast enough. Hank still has a sippy cup of milk in the morning and at night. For breakfast he likes muffins, waffles with peanut butter, french toast sticks, dry cereal, bananas, applesauce. Lunches and dinners are usually: mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, pb and j, noodle bowls from Costco, frozen pizza, grilled cheese. He will sometimes have what we're having (or a variation of it). Special treats he likes are popsicles, M and M's, sugar cookies. Snacks are usually veggie straws, pouches, peanut butter crackers, graham crackers, or a Danimals smoothie. He used to love cheese but now he's not so into it. He loves "dipping" anything and he tried hummus recently and likes it. He hates pickles and onions and tells me so anytime I'm cooking. Haha. 

Hank Sleeps: Hank has been getting up earlier lately. He's usually up between 6-7:30 and goes to bed most nights between 7:30-8:30. Hank takes a nap every afternoon from about 1-3 ish. He varies between 1 hour up to 3 hours. When I was online teaching, this was my power up time, to get as much done as I could! After lunch, he plays on ABC Mouse for about 15 minutes then he knows it's time to go to sleep. He'll even tell me, "It's nap time now!" 

Hank Loves: 

-Talking---I drove about 25 minutes to a park last week with just me and him and he talked the. entire. drive. there. Haha. 

-Rice

-Fed Ex trucks. I ordered him a new baseball hat recently and saw a FedEx truck and told him his hat might be on board. Now everytime he sees a FedEx truck (or plane even!) he shouts, "FEDDDDD EXXXXXX!" 

-His blue bunny from Arctic Circle he named Zoe. He can never sleep without "My Zoe."

-Blues Clues/Daniel Tiger/Paw Patrol

-Being "cozy" (basically anytime he has a blanket on him) 

-Saying, "I do it myself." #toddlerhood

-Admiring the flowers he planted with dad and helping to water them

-The garbage man

-dinosaurs

-dance parties

-baking with mom

-doing his "exercises" (he cracks us up by doing squats, lunges, jumping jacks and tells us he is working out his muscles) 

-Happy Meals

-Aunt Libby/Uncle Joe/Uncle Matt/Uncle Brian

-His Grandparents

-School! Hank stopped going to school mid-March (dumb covid) and he will be home with us this summer. He misses his teachers and friends but we try and talk about school a lot to keep it fresh so it's not totally foreign when he returns. 

-Typing furiously on an old computer and informing us he's writing about "hammerhead sharks." 

We've dipped our toes into the potty training waters but we're not all the way there yet. Hank sleeps in diapers and usually wears underwear during the day when we're home. He will almost always go when we put him on the potty, but rarely does he express the need to go on his own. I'm not stressing about it or pushing it. When he does go, he gets a Swedish fish and yells, "I did it! Go Hank!" 

This little man is so precious to us. It has been an unexpected blessing during this time to have more time at home to spend with our wonderful boy. He is a ray of sunshine and I'm so thankful I get to be his momma. 

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

What I'm Loving Lately

I'm back with another edition of What I'm Loving Lately! 

Friends, I know these days are hard. I know we want to browse Target aimlessly looking for clearance things (just me?), we want our summer trips, our play dates, our dinners out, and our carefree outings. Ohhhh boy, do I get it. Most of all, though, I want to reconnect with my people. I want to not social distance, smile without a mask, and I wish "covid" was never a word I knew. Plus, in addition to all of that, we are hearing about (and witnessing)  darkness, hatred, and ignorance in the wake of the tragic death of George Floyd. Goodness, the world feels broken sometimes, doesn't it? It's hard to find hope but I promise it's there... even in the midst of trauma and grief. So I know the things on this list won't change the evening news and they won't bring back graduations, weddings, and just hugging a friend, but little things can make these days brighter. And a little brightness? Is always worth savoring. So.....my little list of what I'm loving lately, in no particular order. 

1. Sweet Magnolias: Were the TV gods listening when I said I wanted a show like Hart of Dixie, that was cute? Light? Romantic? Southern? Highlighting girl Boss Friendships? Well, look no further! This show won't be winning any Emmys but it's been a fun watch. This is about a group of 3 friends who start a spa together in their small hometown. There's divorce, drama, parenting, small town rumor mills, and....Jamie Lynn Spears is in it. Yep (Remember what I said about no Emmys? Her acting is touuuuuugh, guys). This is a cute fast watch. 

2. Reading! I have officially begun Harry Potter Book 6. Look for it on my next monthly reads post. In the meantime, check out my May reads HERE. There were lots of great reads in May! 

3. Hank and his Yard: This boy makes me smile. Hank adores doing whatever daddy does and a few weeks ago we made the very adult purchases of a hose reel, a lawn mower, and a weed whacker. I'm 33, married, a homeowner, have a masters degree, and am a mom, but dang if those purchases didn't make me feel like a real live grown up! Hank adores helping AJ water the flowers, check the sprinklers, and of course, mow. AJ does a section (while Hank cheers him on), and then it's Hank's turn. He tells everyone he meets about "his yard." 

4. Taylor Swift City of Lovers: Yeah, I've watched it twice. I'm a Swiftie and this concert with some paired down acoustic songs was quarantine perfection. 

5. Homemade manicures: I LOVE a gel mani. And yes, I know the salons are open, but I'm staying away a bit longer, so I have been having fun with some DIY manis. I have used Color Street, Impress stick ons, and recently found an Etsy shop, Sawyer and Scout that makes the cutest nail wraps at only $4 a pop! I ordered a few last week. And, Utah friends, it's local,  so the 2 times I ordered, they arrived the next day! I can't wait to try out the new fun designs. 

6. Cocktails: I've always loved a good fruity boozy beverage, but that only grew when we went to Hawaii in the fall! I've been experimenting and making my own. Some key ingredients I've used in my creations: La Croix, Rose, sliced fruit, lemonade, berries, reisling, vodka, lemon and lime juice etc. I mainly enjoy a wine spritzer but some tequila in a sparkling fruit water can delight as well. I'm basically Wells from Bachelor in Paradise is what I'm saying. 

7. Outside Time: We have been spending so much time outside and I love it! I'm all loaded up on allergy meds so I can enjoy it without sneezing too much. There's been plenty of water table time, reading outside, grilling, sidewalk chalk, frisbee, and walks. I just love the sunshine. 

8. Nut Butter Smoothies: I picked these up recently at Costco and I love them! Easy peasy and delicious. I've been refrigerating it for a late night sweet treat. (Oh and I'm wearing a striped version of those nails I write about above!). 

9. The Memes: Guys, there will be a chapter in history books on Covid about memes. They are golden. Here are some recent faves. 

What are YOU loving lately?

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

May Reads

I am so excited to share my May Reads with you!! I really enjoyed the books I read this month!! Quarantine stinks for a lot of reasons, but having a bit of extra time to read is so so nice!!!

This month featured quite the variety: historical fiction, Hogwarts, horror, humor,and heart. Ready??? Let's get to it!

1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling

I'm continuing my 2020 resolution to finish every Harry Potter book and watch all the movies. Before this year, I had never seen or read even 1! This was the first Harry Potter book (this was book 5 out of 7) that I actually read....I listened to the others on audiobook, but since I'm not driving to and from work each day, I knew it would take me ages to listen to it. I don't know if it's because I actually read this one (as opposed to listened) or what, but this one was my favorite of the series so far. I LOVE the fantastic little community supporting Harry and how they all band together to defeat He Who Shall Not Be Named. I really liked how Harry was sort of moody and emotional in this one. His character is more fleshed out in this book than in the other 4. I finished this book wanting MORE. I decided to read 1 Harry Potter per month so I stopped here but this was great. I watched the movie last week too, and really enjoyed it as well. 

2. The Paris Hours by Alex George

This book. Guys. I loved it. This was my April Book of the Month pick. I typically don't go for the historical fiction option with Book of the Month, but this one just called to me. Going to Paris is a dream of mine and I love reading about Paris of the 1920's. (I loved The Paris Wife by Paula McLain). This book is one like Love Actually where there are these various story lines going on and at the end they all converge and you see how they are all connected. This one has elements of war time violence (pretty vivid descriptions of the Armenian Genocide), love, parenthood, trauma and more. It's not light by any means, but it's a fairly short book that really packs a punch. I thought it was beautiful. The description from Amazon perfectly sums it up, "Told over the course of a single day in 1927, Alex George's The Paris Hours takes four ordinary people whose stories, told together, are as extraordinary as the glorious city they inhabit." 

3. The St. Francis Society for Wayward Pets by Annie England Noblin 

I read Annie England Noblin's previous two novels and really enjoyed them both. Her books are classic chick lit that typically involve a single woman who finds both a man and a pet that help her find her way. This book followed that same format and honestly? It was just what I was looking for. This is a sweet story about a woman who inherits her birth mother's home in rural Washington. She befriends the local characters, learns to knit, and, of course, falls in love. This is a cute book if you're looking for something light and easy. 

4. The Chestnut Man by Soren Sveistrup 

If you want to know the book I'll be suggesting all year when someone asks what to read next, here it is! I loved this book so much that I devoured it in 3 days. This is a super twisted (and violent!) book about a serial killer who leaves little chestnut dolls at the crime scenes. Except the little dolls all share a fingerprint on them from a young girl who was kidnapped and presumed murdered years ago. What??? This takes place in the Netherlands and is super duper creepy but so thrilling and suspenseful. I stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime reading this one. And the twist near the end got me good. If you're looking for a crazy psychological murder mystery, pick this one up.....and then message me when you finish we we can discuss!

5. Girl Logic by Iliza Schlesinger: 

I think Iliza is one of the most talented comedians out there. For my birthday weekend in March, AJ and I had plans to stay downtown and had tickets to her show. It was cancelled, obviously, and it's rescheduled for this summer, but I'm not quite sure that'll still happen either. Boooo. Needless to say, I've been wanting to read this book for a while. I was expecting a bit more memoir and less advice with this one, but it still had me laughing out loud at parts (her bit about Disney's Belle being willing to sleep with a feline in a dinner jacket just to get away from Gaston and get in some good solo reading time had me howling). Iliza is just a wise, bad ass lady, and she covers it all in this book: dating, love, friendship, politics, sex, feminism and more. If you like Iliza's brand of comedy and witty perception on modern womanhood, you'll enjoy this book for sure. 

That's a wrap, folks! The library is beginning curbside pick up of book holds and AJ and Hank renewed my Book of the Month subscription for Mother's Day, so I am set to go with new reading material! Happy reading, friends!

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie 

Let's Talk TV! (and movies)

I definitely don't have as much time as I anticipated to watch TV (hello online teaching and toddler life) BUT, ya'll know I love to get down with some TV time and what better time to stream and binge than a pandemic? 

Here's some of what I've been watching:

Bachelor Listen to Your Heart: I vowed I wouldn't watch this show. A Bachelor spin off, no thanks. But then covid happened and well...I'm a sucker for anything Chris Harrison is peddling, so here we are. I really love the covers they do on this show (Backstreet Boys? Gaga? So good). So is this as good as the actual Bachelor(ette)? After the past few seasons I'd say definitely. 

Little People Big World: I've been watching this show forever and while this season is different without Jeremy and Audrey, I like the storyline. It's not as cute as when the kids were younger, but it's still a show I tune into every week. 

Dead To Me: I binged season 1 of this show a while back and was so excited to see a new season pop up on Netflix. I'm about half way through season 2 now. This one is about 2 very unlikely friends and the secrets (and crimes) between them. It's a dark comedy and Christina Applegate is brilliant in it. 

Songland: This show fascinates me. If you haven't seen it, it's like The Voice (sort of), but it is song writers presenting their original songs to a famous artist and producers. There are 4 songs each episode and then 3 go "to the studio" to get professional advice and tweaking, then after the 3 songs are performed the artist chooses one to actually record. The way the producers can just make tiny changes and they way everyone collaborates---it's mindblowing. As someone with zero musical talent, this show impresses me every time I watch. 

Secrets of Skinwalker Ranch: Ok, I'm a bit embarrased to share this one because it is so weird and definitely not something I'd normally watch. We stumbled upon this History Channel show last week. This is a documentary series (but don't have high expectations with that, it is so so so cheesy) about a ranch in Utah (!) where paranormal activity occurs. The series follows doctors and scientists as they attempt to uncover what's going on there. Not a spoiler, but it's basically either a) an ancient Navajo curse or b) aliens. See? I told you it's bizaare. I'm blaming quarantine for this awful yet strangely addicting show. 

Workin' Moms: I LOVED seasons 1 and 2 of this show and I'm so sad to say I haven't even watched season 3 yet. I'm hoping to get to it during some of Hank's naps this weekend. This show is raw and hilarious. It's inappropriate and relatable. I hope season 3 is as good as the other two. 

Waco: AJ and I binged this one in a weekend. This is, obviously, NOT about Chip and Jo's silos, but is instead about David Karesh and the stand off between his group the Branch Davidians and the FBI. This was a fascinating watch. I really loved the storyline with the negotiator and what I was not expecting was to feel some sympathy for Karesh. The ending of this one is really tough to watch and as you work through the episodes the impending sense of doom is clear. This was not light by any means, but it was really riveting. 

Disney Singalongs: We sure did love both of these that were on. It's so fun and Hank loves them as much as I do. It's a fun thing during this time to relive some classics (and peep at singers houses....and see who can really sing live). 

Shark Tank: I've watched nearly every season of this show. I love it. I love supporting businesses that were on the show. I love all the clever ideas. This is just a fun entertaining watch. 

King of Queens: AJ and I both LOVE this show. And after our fave Arthur (Jerry Stiller) died this week, we decided to start way back at season 1. It's the perfect go to evening show and always makes us laugh. I just look at AJ and start singing the theme song and he knows what I want to watch, haha. "My eyes are getting weary, my back is getting tight, I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight...." 

Movies We've Watched----We've watched more than these, but these are the newer releases we've watched. 

Bombshell: I LOVED this movie. This one follows the true story of the sexual harrassment and toxic culture of Fox News. The 3 leads were excellent in this and I loved how this story was told. And can Charlize look any more like Megyn Kelly?! 

Just Mercy: I cannot say enough about this incredible movie. Warning: this one was difficult to watch at times, but it was truly excellent. If you're against the death penalty as I am, this will just reaffitm your beliefs. If not, watch it anyway, it will make you think. I love that this is a true story. It might be one of the best movies I've seen all year. 

The Invisible Man: Another movie I LOVED! This one has a totally cheesy premise of a woman being stalked by her mad scientist boyfriend. While it may appear like a Lifetime movie, this movie is so much more slick, well done, and suspenseful than anything like that. It's not exactly a horror movie, but it is creepy and twisty. 

Onward: So I had high hopes for this one and I liked it, but I didn't love it. We've seen it about a dozen times in the past few months and Hank loves his collection of Onward Happy Meal toys, but this one doesn't compare to other Pixar classics like Toy Story or Coco. It's cute and sweet, just not awesome. 

And of course you know we watched......

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It was so ridiculously entertaining. And just what we all needed in these tough times. Nothing brings us together like a gay redneck meth head polygamist zookeeper, ya know? 

What are you watching??

Savor Your Sparkle,

Leslie